God how tiring it is to hold on to my reality, much less someone else's. Every day I do what I have to to hold myself together, how do I do that for someone else? My face shows no emotion, smiling to where someone else sees it is pushing it. I can't see what you see and you don't see what I feel. I can no more show you the emotion on my face that I feel than you can take away the emptiness I feel when you no longer want to lay next to me or try to understand what it is like to have your body and your mind disconnect. It is so much easier to just be bye myself than to go somewhere that I cannot hear or understand a word being said. I never would wish this on my worst enemy but here I am bringing it home to the one I love the most. You expect me to be happy and up beat when I can't make love, can't walk a straight line, and can't even take a shit like I used to. I do things with my hands and power tools that after I realize what I've done scare the hell out of me. This disease doesn't just effect me I know it takes a toll on you. But inside I keep losing and knowing what I have lost all the while trying not to admit what is happening. I hate what is happening to me but every day I try to hide as much as I can because I want more than anything to be who I was. Every day a little loss of me is a major loss of who I was going to be. Who I thought I would be.
Cancers can be cured, hearts can be bypassed but a brain that quits functioning just keeps on functioning less and less. All I know is everyday there is just a little less of me in this shell.
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