I finally did it today, I fell into the donut hole. I bought my part D medicare insurance last may when my wife lost her and then our midical coverage. I shopped around not knowing a fucking thing about insurance and got what I thought was an acceptable, not adequate, but acceptable plan. Today the morphine I take for easing pain went from 9.00 to 23.23. Not disastrous but a surprise. Went home called the insurance company and found I had fallen into the nether world. Ouch. Then after calling the insurance company once I called back to get "the rest of the story".
Most of the drugs were manageable, one even went down 3 cents. One however went from 9.00 to 88.00 that one I need. The really big surprise came when a generic I have been taking went from 9.00 to........409.00. Half of my Goddamn house payment. Next year my premium goes up 50% and my minimum generic goes from 9.00 to 19.00 and since I start the year from the beginning not in the spring time I will fall into the fucking hole late spring or early summer. This means I will lose my house because my drugs will equal my house payment and I can't pay both. I could sell my .otor home but after about 6 months we would have no where to live.
We live in the most powerful nation on earth. We rebuild countries we have destroyed but we can not provide health care to our own citizens. My guess is the countries we have decimated have better health care provided to them the we do. As a parkie we know it takes a lot of meds to keep going. Now I have to decided do we live in a camper until we need assisted living or do I quit taking meds so we get to that point sooner. What really pisses me off are people who vote for the assholes who keep trying to take away our benifits to give the bastards who have all the wealth more tax breaks. Six Walmart heirs have the wealth of 150 million Americans, 85 families have the wealth of 350 BILLION PEOPLE, half the fucking planet. But 7.25 per hour is to much for the Waltons to pay their workers, and now they are taking away health care benefits from over 30,000 workers because it is cutting INTO THEIR FUCKING FAMILIES PROFITS. People go with out food, medicine, or a roof over their heads because a living wage is to much for them to pay. Marie Antoinette started the French Revolution by saying let them eat cake which was really let them eat bread. It is now time to ask ourselves, "when do we get some bread". It is time for a real revolution..........VOTE GODDAMNIT VOTE THOSE BLOOD SUCKING BASTARDS OUT OF OFFICE. We worked, we sacrificed, we made them rich. When will they be satisfied? When 50 own the wealth of half the planet,25, 10, or 1. How much more do we let them take from use before we get off our asses and take it back. I don't care if the rich stay rich I just care that the poor stop increasing and dying for them ends NOW. NOT ONE MORE DAY, NOT ONE MORE CHILD GOES HUNGRY, NOT ONE MORE DISABLED OR ELDERLY PERSON HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN A HOME, FOOD, OR MEDICINE.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
How do you stay you.
I wonder how you maintain your identity with this. I know almost every decision I make is now guestioned. I was an airline captain for many years and never had decision questioned , what I said was the last word. Now I can't even decide whats for dinner. Yes I'm still here my inside is still working. I admit that I am much slower but function. In a
In an earlier post I talked about my dog getting lost in the woods. That night it was like I didn't have Parkinson's. I was out there walking up and down the hills and the woods trying to find her, and I did it for about 2 hours. Finally after not hearing anything thing more I finally gave up.about an hour later she came back. I really thought I would never see her again. Her will to live is what got her through that very heavy thicket. I think the same thing gets us through every day. We are slower, stiffer and maybe don't respond as quickly but we are still here. For the most part can make up our minds, with out criticism or mistrust. It does sometimes create tension but we still need to have an input in our lives. When we are allowed we have more to give than many think.
In an earlier post I talked about my dog getting lost in the woods. That night it was like I didn't have Parkinson's. I was out there walking up and down the hills and the woods trying to find her, and I did it for about 2 hours. Finally after not hearing anything thing more I finally gave up.about an hour later she came back. I really thought I would never see her again. Her will to live is what got her through that very heavy thicket. I think the same thing gets us through every day. We are slower, stiffer and maybe don't respond as quickly but we are still here. For the most part can make up our minds, with out criticism or mistrust. It does sometimes create tension but we still need to have an input in our lives. When we are allowed we have more to give than many think.
Friday, October 10, 2014
the struggle to stay me
God how tiring it is to hold on to my reality, much less someone else's. Every day I do what I have to to hold myself together, how do I do that for someone else? My face shows no emotion, smiling to where someone else sees it is pushing it. I can't see what you see and you don't see what I feel. I can no more show you the emotion on my face that I feel than you can take away the emptiness I feel when you no longer want to lay next to me or try to understand what it is like to have your body and your mind disconnect. It is so much easier to just be bye myself than to go somewhere that I cannot hear or understand a word being said. I never would wish this on my worst enemy but here I am bringing it home to the one I love the most. You expect me to be happy and up beat when I can't make love, can't walk a straight line, and can't even take a shit like I used to. I do things with my hands and power tools that after I realize what I've done scare the hell out of me. This disease doesn't just effect me I know it takes a toll on you. But inside I keep losing and knowing what I have lost all the while trying not to admit what is happening. I hate what is happening to me but every day I try to hide as much as I can because I want more than anything to be who I was. Every day a little loss of me is a major loss of who I was going to be. Who I thought I would be.
Cancers can be cured, hearts can be bypassed but a brain that quits functioning just keeps on functioning less and less. All I know is everyday there is just a little less of me in this shell.
Cancers can be cured, hearts can be bypassed but a brain that quits functioning just keeps on functioning less and less. All I know is everyday there is just a little less of me in this shell.
anyone home in there
One of the most difficult things for me anymore is to be accepted that I still have knowledge that is usable. I am constantly questioned as to the validity of my knowledge. That hurts as much as anything. I must always validate my thoughts, my memories. .. everything. It has become like I am a complete idiot, but someone else always needs to verify. I have balance problems I have fatigue problems, I have stiffness problems, and move slow but my mind still works. Yes I am still in here. The pain of being treated as if I have suddenly become an idiot is much worse than the normal every day pain I deal with. When did I lose tbe ability to think or forget everything I have known. I am still here.
interesting day
Interesting day at least. Had our first open house, the people who had expressed interest showed up and stayed for 2 and a half hours. That struck me as a bit long. They were making honey do lists. They did however leave the gate to the backyard for the dogs open. One we have never used. The first thing we do when we get home is put the dogs back there so they can do what ever it is they need to do. Carmen our old girl with the bad leg go out, and she ran to the very over grown woods next door. We went after her but after a couple of barks we heard nothing more. She has done this before but we always found her or she came back after an hour or so. Tonight was different.
A funny thing I learned about Parkinson's is that when you need to move fast, or through training you can make yourself move pretty normal. .....for a while. The hillside in our backyard is really hard to go up and down over and over, but I did several times. Calling here and looking for her with a flashlight. Nothing, drove up and down the highway praying I wouldn't find her.....I didn't. Ate dinner, it's been a couple of hours now. Shelley and I were back at the woods. The thicket is terrible there, no way a person could get through, filled with vines and sticker bushes. We occasionally heard some russling in the, a couple of feeble yelps and then nothing. Finally we came in to go to bed. We were sure we would never see her again. It's cold tonight down to 33. I went back out up and down the hill a couple more times. Nothinv, not a sound. I started beating the bushes and Shelley yelled from the deck "you'll scare her" she said, I know. Still nothing, not a sound. I gave up and came in the house, put on my pj's cried and we prayed. We had left the garage door, and door to the basement open just in case.
A half hour, forty five minutes later Shelley heard a wimpering at the basement door. SHE MADE IT. She could hardly walk, covered in sticker dirty as hell but she was home. We gave her water and she drank like she'd never had it before. She ate but after that she couldn't even walk to the bedroom her front leg hurt so much. I carried her in and lay down and went to sleep. She's moved a bit but not much. I'm still very worried about her, she is getting old and somewhat feeble, but damned if she wont take a chnce when ever she can. But I have never seen her quite like this. I think it took a super canine effort to get out of there. I don't think she has much more like that left in her. I would have been out there first thing in the morning with a machete had she not come home. I couldn't bare to lose her like that. She's sleeping at my feet right now, I know we'll lose her soon enough, but not last night. Funny thing Sophie was withher and she stayed. She's not a runner, makes me even more sure she was abandoned. So starts another day. Time for morning pills and hopefully a bit of sleep. Cherish what and who you have while you have them the are just one instant from being gone.
A funny thing I learned about Parkinson's is that when you need to move fast, or through training you can make yourself move pretty normal. .....for a while. The hillside in our backyard is really hard to go up and down over and over, but I did several times. Calling here and looking for her with a flashlight. Nothing, drove up and down the highway praying I wouldn't find her.....I didn't. Ate dinner, it's been a couple of hours now. Shelley and I were back at the woods. The thicket is terrible there, no way a person could get through, filled with vines and sticker bushes. We occasionally heard some russling in the, a couple of feeble yelps and then nothing. Finally we came in to go to bed. We were sure we would never see her again. It's cold tonight down to 33. I went back out up and down the hill a couple more times. Nothinv, not a sound. I started beating the bushes and Shelley yelled from the deck "you'll scare her" she said, I know. Still nothing, not a sound. I gave up and came in the house, put on my pj's cried and we prayed. We had left the garage door, and door to the basement open just in case.
A half hour, forty five minutes later Shelley heard a wimpering at the basement door. SHE MADE IT. She could hardly walk, covered in sticker dirty as hell but she was home. We gave her water and she drank like she'd never had it before. She ate but after that she couldn't even walk to the bedroom her front leg hurt so much. I carried her in and lay down and went to sleep. She's moved a bit but not much. I'm still very worried about her, she is getting old and somewhat feeble, but damned if she wont take a chnce when ever she can. But I have never seen her quite like this. I think it took a super canine effort to get out of there. I don't think she has much more like that left in her. I would have been out there first thing in the morning with a machete had she not come home. I couldn't bare to lose her like that. She's sleeping at my feet right now, I know we'll lose her soon enough, but not last night. Funny thing Sophie was withher and she stayed. She's not a runner, makes me even more sure she was abandoned. So starts another day. Time for morning pills and hopefully a bit of sleep. Cherish what and who you have while you have them the are just one instant from being gone.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Getting ready
We are in the process of preparing to go to the forest. We are selling the house and most of the stuff we really do not need. Winter is coming to Wi and we do not want to be here. My stiff and sore body just cant take another like we just had. With this blog I hope to keep you informed of our progress and the difficulties we encounter. My guess is dr's and meds will be our biggest problems.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Hello this is new blog
Welcome to my new blog. I'm a 62 year old man with Parkinson's disease. Diagnosed about 3 years ago. My symptoms began almost 15 years ago, but as we all know nothing with this disease happens quick or the same for any of us. My wife has been a great help for me in this process. The name comes from our summer camping and working as camp hosts proving that I can still do something worth while. I am hoping to be regular posting bere, and getting some feed back from folks out there. Welcome and I'll be back soon.
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