The Goddam noise in my head

It has been a while since I posted here and I am sorry about that, but I've had a lot to say else where I just wish I could put it all in one place.  Tonight is on of those nights when wine and pills wont bring sleep and I don't want to push it on either so I'll write.

I am not sure where to start other than I feel I am going truly crazy. This trip is a great thing to do, but I almost feel I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons or in someone else's life. The things we are seeing and doing sre great but it feels like I'm just along for the ride. I pretty much do what I am asked sometimes a little begrudgingly but I do it. Hikes walks sight seeing,  god I am so fricken tired, but the thing that hurts the most is I feel like I am just here to do......there is no how do I say it... return. I most of the time feel so alone it is driving me crazy. Parkinson's causes plenty of problems but it doesn't cause someone else to sit on the phone posting all day long or sitting and doing crossword puzzles all the time and avoid talking or being with you. Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I am here for. Certainly not that. I keep getting the question "are you having fun, isn't this great?" No I am living in a world that keeps shrinking on what I can do with it an in it and I am doing it alone. I am so fucking tired of being alone I might just as well be alone. I have nothing to lose. Dish tv will still work, dogs will still love me. Most days I have no reason to get up or go to bed.I took my sleeping pills 2 hours ago but I just lay here alone.

I have tried to talk about this but it never gets past"well I'm glad you could say something". I cannot live like this. I need to be more than the repair man and chauffeur.  I saw on tv to day that some folks in their 80's still have sex 3 times a month. We havent had it more than once in the last 3 years. YES PARKINSON'S causes problems but intimacy in a relationship is vital fot it's survival. And that doesn't always mean orgasm, but closeness is vital for the survival of any couple. My guess is especially when there are factors that put an added strain on it.

Will she ever read it I don't know. I know that when I bring it up it is pretty much brushed aside and written of to one of my moods. But it is becoming a very big black cloud over my world, and soon a flood of bibical proportions will begin to fall and we sold the boat.